Author: joecheray

My name is Joe Cheray I am the administrator of this site. I grew up in the Catholic church, Sacred Heart Parish located in Baileyville Kansas. My grandfather was my abuser. He was the president of the alter guild and significant contributor to the church coffers. He also helped out whenever and wherever priests needed help. He also ushered.

The abuse started when I was 10 years old. It lasted for 5 years. When I was in 6th grade I had gotten to the point I was feeling so bad about what was going on at home I decided to try to tell someone. I told a classmate. After a period of time I did start talking to our priest about the abuse but it fell on deaf ears for the most part. I was thankful I went to an educator instead. At the time the kid me didn’t know who was mandated to report and who wasn’t. So I tried talking to anyone in our town who I thought would listen. After reporting though my life became an even bigger hell.

I did enjoy going to church at one time. Before the sexual abuse started. Church became an addition to my hell. I would have to sit next to my grandfather in church. He would cross his arms like he was intently listening to the sermon and hide his right hand under his left arm to touch me whenever he felt like it. I couldn’t do anything to escape so I sat there trying to figure out how to put my mind somewhere else.

I did get out at the age of 15. However, I went to my priest again and asked him for help and guidance and he told me to go back into the situation and pray that it gets better. The priest at the time was Father Ron Cornish. I found out last year that he passed away.

This isn’t the first time that the church failed our family. I later learned that the church in Baileyville didn’t do our family any favors when I was growing up. Our dad was trying to divorce my “mom” after we had been taken away by the state. I think even before then. The church kept throwing wrenches in his path. You don’t divorce in the Catholic church. So he kept navigating a failed marriage and trying to appease his faith and was miserable.

My grandmother was also a victim of the church. She was being mentally and physically abused by our grandfather and the church and her faith would have shunned her if she left my grandfather. Again you don’t divorce in the Catholic church.

Oh and you never acted out in catechism class or it would be hell to pay at home. My older brother was made an example of this one night. It was a night none of us ever forgot.

Fast forward to adult life. I keep getting ministers that tell me I need to forgive my grandfather for what he did to me. I hear that forgiveness isn’t for him it’s for me blah blah blah. I don’t need to forgive him in order to heal. In my mind as well as others in my shoes I am sure, forgiveness let’s our abusers off the hook. Our abusers need to be held accountable for what they’ve done to us. We need to hear from them that they’re sorry for what they did to us. This is a hill I will die on until the day I die.

I’m still not super comfortable going to church. I’ve tried a few other religions. When they start in on the forgiveness message they lose me.

Last year I joined forces with other survivors to help get SOL reform for criminal and civil sexual abuse charges passed in Kansas. After building the clout as it were from those efforts I decided to use it to push for mandated reporting by clergy legislation in the state of Kansas as currently Kansas isn’t a state where clergy are mandated to report. So here I am working hard to make that a reality. I encourage you to share this post and this site with everyone you know.